❤️❤️❤️

Three huge life events changed my world. It was horrendous. I had an unexpected health scare that turned out worse than was expected. I had some issues with my family, and the other one I knew was coming because I had already set the deadline in my head and spoke to my counselor about it at length. I just wasn’t prepared for the emotional fall out from it. Anyway I unfriended a bunch of people. I had to distance myself from people. I guess some people were offended by that…

That makes absolutely no sense to me, if someone unfriended me, I wouldn’t take it personally. Especially if I knew they were going through some shit. I mean they knew about one of the situations.

I’m not judging them or saying they’re wrong. I just didn’t think they would react like that.

I’m not sure if I’ll say anything. I could talk to them.

I’m other news, I have started giving AA $20 a month. I’ll probably NEVER go to their live stream again. I’m sure I’m not welcomed.

“Everybody I know has a big butt.” That classic line from Pee Wees Big Adventure was meant to be funny, but there’s a profound meaning in that statement. When Pee Wee is talking to Simone in the film he’s telling Simone to follow her dream to Paris and she says, “I would, but…” and then proceeds to tell him all the reasons why she can’t go. I can totally relate to this line of thinking. I too have a big “butt”, however it’s a totally different kind.

The type of thinking I’m referring to is a type of cognitive distortion called minimization. It’s when you minimize your own accomplishments and it sounds kinda like this. “Hey Jim, you did great.” Jim replies with, “yeah, but”, and then proceeds to give you a million reasons why he didn’t do great. Which is exactly what I do.

I’m told it all stems from my childhood. I grew up as the youngest in a family of 6. My father was a strict authoritarian. You never questioned him, you never asked why, you just did or died. His favorite thing to say was “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Or “that’s stupid”. Or even worse, “you’re stupid”. That I heard maybe 4-5 times a day. I didn’t even have to do anything wrong. If I just put something away not to his standard, he’d berate me. He also liked to say things like, “listen here you god damned son of a bitch, if you don’t do what I say when I say it, you will die.” He had such a way of making any misstep a huge deal and then, in turn, making me feel 2 inches tall.

There was some physical violence in the house. If you forgot to do a chore and he realized it after you went to bed, he would forcibly get you out of bed, even if you were asleep, and make you finish your job. I remember him grabbing my brother by his shirt while he was sleeping while simultaneously screaming at him that he didn’t do his fucking jobs and he better get them the fuck done.

There was a lot of emotional abuse. Besides what’s mentioned above, life with him was like walking on eggshells. You NEVER knew when he’d blow up and what would set him off. One minute he’d like you then all of a sudden he’d be yelling. He’d even get so mad at us that he refused to talk to us for days at a time.

There was even sexual abuse in the house. I had 14 foster brothers. All of them were deemed juvenile delinquents by the state of Illinois and all of them had criminal records. I, myself, don’t remember the sexual abuse. I have almost no memories from that time of my life, and I was only 5 when the last one finally left the house. However my older sister has described to me the things that were done to both of us. The only thing that I can remember that I’m comfortable talking about is the times they would pee in a jar and dump it on me while I was in bed. I would get in trouble in the morning for wetting my bed.

I want to circle back to the mental abuse and how what my father has said to me almost my entire childhood has affected me. I’m 46. I manage a Starbucks and have a second job at a grocery store. I recently sold everything I owned and moved 1600 miles away from my family.

I’m relatively successful. I moved up quickly in Starbucks. I was voted Partner of the Quarter twice in my career. I have had at least 3 separate partners tell me I make them feel safe. Multiple partners have told me they’re going to transfer to the store I manage. When I left my store before I moved, 30 customers came in to tell me good bye, 8 customers gave me a card, 3 gave me money, and 2 made me gifts. I still keep in contact with 5 of them on a weekly basis, one on a daily basis. Customers have repeatedly told me my smile brightens their day. All I think is, YEAH BUT, people don’t really like me. They’re just being nice. I’m nothing special.

In my personal life, I managed to save up over $6000 in 3 months and move myself 1600 miles away. I sold or gave away everything I owned. I secured housing and was able to pay all the deposits and everything all on my own. I’ve been dreaming about moving to Portland since 2018. I fucking did it. I made it happen. People on a regular basis have told me how brave I am for giving up my entire life to make a new start half way across the country. All I think is, YEAH BUT it only counts as a success if I’m able to make it for a year. I’m still not successful. Anyone can move. It’s not that hard.

I was a stay at home mom to 8 children. We’re all super close. They’ve all expressed how proud they are of me for chasing my dreams. They’re all successful, live on their own, except 2 who are 15 and 14. My children have always trusted me and came to me in times of trouble. The worst thing any of my children have done is become a parent at the age of 18. My kids tell me and my friends tell me I’m a good mom. All I think is, YEAH BUT, I don’t keep up with getting their hair cut, I’m terrible at making sure they do chores…there’s always something I’m not doing right.

Here’s the moral of the story, watch what you say to your children. You see, I’m 46 and the shit that was told to be as a child still plays in my head on a daily basis. In fact, it’s more like an hourly basis, and quite possibly every minute. It affects EVERY part of my life.

Well, there’s this scene where he’s sitting in this giant dinosaur play place with this girl Simone. She’s telling him how she wants to go to Paris, but…and then gives him all the reasons why she can’t.

He says to her, “everyone I know has a big butt.””

It’s supposed to be funny and I laugh about it whenever I think about it.

However! It really applies to my life and my self esteem.

So I’m going to write something to men who have girls and how they should watch what they say to their daughters because it will become their inner dialogue their whole life.

My “but” is this.

People say to me, “omg you’re so strong you’ve accomplished so much.”

Me: “yeah, but…” and then go on to explain why what they’re saying is wrong and I’m really just a piece of shit

Every day my father used to say to me, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Or “listen here you god damned son of a bitch.” And that is what is constantly playing in my head, daily, hourly, and by the minute.

Then kris and I talked about his podcast. I love the name of his podcast. I’m going to be on it soon. Kris doesn’t make me nervous, so I’ll actually have things to say

I also had a customer from my Springfield Starbucks message me asking me if I remembered how to make her drink so she can tell her new store how to do it right!

I worked in their Starbucks and schooled them all on how to properly do things to Starbucks standards.

I also helped this little old lady get buttermilk off the top shelf. She was so freaking cute and sweet. I wanted to hug her.

I’m seeing so many of my Starbucks regulars at the store. Paul and Alex were in today along with Matt! He gave me the biggest hug. Cat is a cashier I’ve become friends with and when I came on the floor she hugged me. A bunch of people gave us dirty looks, I guess for not social distancing, but fuck them. I’ll hug my friend if I want.

There was a homeless man that came through the line and he spit on the floor in front of me. Ugh! So gross.

I’m hardly eating…it’s good. But I hate this feeling

My dad is still suggesting I do porn to make money…my brother is not talking to me, and my druggie sister still messages me sometimes and bitches at me. BUT! At least I don’t have to see them.

My children, I miss horribly. They’ve all been surprisingly supportive, except Dallas. But he still texts me and tells me he loves me, so there’s hope we can repair things.

She has a fucking stay home border on her profile pic and was pretty offended by one of my posts today.

Joey, well his wife is immunocompromised so he’s all for staying home.

Neither one of them have talked to me in over a week…except when she commented on my post today.

So because of this fucking bullshit I lost Vince, Joey, and Emily. But honestly, Vince and I were going to part ways because he kept telling me how much he wanted me to be his…he even wrote me this long email pouring his love out. Vince, you’re married. Remember my relationship with Shane? He was married…you got so pissed at me for wasting my love on a married man but now you want me to give all my love to you. Well I’m sorry, it’s not going to happen. You’re my friend and nothing more.

No sex, just hugs…