“Everybody I know has a big butt.” That classic line from Pee Wees Big Adventure was meant to be funny, but there’s a profound meaning in that statement. When Pee Wee is talking to Simone in the film he’s telling Simone to follow her dream to Paris and she says, “I would, but…” and then proceeds to tell him all the reasons why she can’t go. I can totally relate to this line of thinking. I too have a big “butt”, however it’s a totally different kind.

The type of thinking I’m referring to is a type of cognitive distortion called minimization. It’s when you minimize your own accomplishments and it sounds kinda like this. “Hey Jim, you did great.” Jim replies with, “yeah, but”, and then proceeds to give you a million reasons why he didn’t do great. Which is exactly what I do.

I’m told it all stems from my childhood. I grew up as the youngest in a family of 6. My father was a strict authoritarian. You never questioned him, you never asked why, you just did or died. His favorite thing to say was “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Or “that’s stupid”. Or even worse, “you’re stupid”. That I heard maybe 4-5 times a day. I didn’t even have to do anything wrong. If I just put something away not to his standard, he’d berate me. He also liked to say things like, “listen here you god damned son of a bitch, if you don’t do what I say when I say it, you will die.” He had such a way of making any misstep a huge deal and then, in turn, making me feel 2 inches tall.

There was some physical violence in the house. If you forgot to do a chore and he realized it after you went to bed, he would forcibly get you out of bed, even if you were asleep, and make you finish your job. I remember him grabbing my brother by his shirt while he was sleeping while simultaneously screaming at him that he didn’t do his fucking jobs and he better get them the fuck done.

There was a lot of emotional abuse. Besides what’s mentioned above, life with him was like walking on eggshells. You NEVER knew when he’d blow up and what would set him off. One minute he’d like you then all of a sudden he’d be yelling. He’d even get so mad at us that he refused to talk to us for days at a time.

There was even sexual abuse in the house. I had 14 foster brothers. All of them were deemed juvenile delinquents by the state of Illinois and all of them had criminal records. I, myself, don’t remember the sexual abuse. I have almost no memories from that time of my life, and I was only 5 when the last one finally left the house. However my older sister has described to me the things that were done to both of us. The only thing that I can remember that I’m comfortable talking about is the times they would pee in a jar and dump it on me while I was in bed. I would get in trouble in the morning for wetting my bed.

I want to circle back to the mental abuse and how what my father has said to me almost my entire childhood has affected me. I’m 46. I manage a Starbucks and have a second job at a grocery store. I recently sold everything I owned and moved 1600 miles away from my family.

I’m relatively successful. I moved up quickly in Starbucks. I was voted Partner of the Quarter twice in my career. I have had at least 3 separate partners tell me I make them feel safe. Multiple partners have told me they’re going to transfer to the store I manage. When I left my store before I moved, 30 customers came in to tell me good bye, 8 customers gave me a card, 3 gave me money, and 2 made me gifts. I still keep in contact with 5 of them on a weekly basis, one on a daily basis. Customers have repeatedly told me my smile brightens their day. All I think is, YEAH BUT, people don’t really like me. They’re just being nice. I’m nothing special.

In my personal life, I managed to save up over $6000 in 3 months and move myself 1600 miles away. I sold or gave away everything I owned. I secured housing and was able to pay all the deposits and everything all on my own. I’ve been dreaming about moving to Portland since 2018. I fucking did it. I made it happen. People on a regular basis have told me how brave I am for giving up my entire life to make a new start half way across the country. All I think is, YEAH BUT it only counts as a success if I’m able to make it for a year. I’m still not successful. Anyone can move. It’s not that hard.

I was a stay at home mom to 8 children. We’re all super close. They’ve all expressed how proud they are of me for chasing my dreams. They’re all successful, live on their own, except 2 who are 15 and 14. My children have always trusted me and came to me in times of trouble. The worst thing any of my children have done is become a parent at the age of 18. My kids tell me and my friends tell me I’m a good mom. All I think is, YEAH BUT, I don’t keep up with getting their hair cut, I’m terrible at making sure they do chores…there’s always something I’m not doing right.

Here’s the moral of the story, watch what you say to your children. You see, I’m 46 and the shit that was told to be as a child still plays in my head on a daily basis. In fact, it’s more like an hourly basis, and quite possibly every minute. It affects EVERY part of my life.