Weight

I’ve lost over 100 pounds now.  It’s absolutely insane.  I never thought I could make it this far.  I barely recognize myself.  There was a point where I regretted the surgery, but now I’m so glad I did it.  I feel so much better about myself and I have a lot more confidence.  I actually started dating.  

Here’s me at the beginning of my weight loss journey.  This picture was taken July 1, 2015.  I weighed 295 pounds.

  
Here’s me in February 2016.  I weighed 185 pounds. 

  
I’ve started wearing dresses.  People actually compliment my looks.  It’s a huge adjustment.  

Depression

Ive gone through some rough points recently.  The issues with my ex and the effect it’s had on the kids has really gotten to me.  My job actually gave me a month of paid leave to deal with all the ramifications.  

There’s been a few times where I’ve wanted to cut.  It took everything I had not to.  It’s easier to stop myself when I remember some of the stuff Shane has said to me. He always told me that I made him a better person.  

Dating

So, I know I was a confirmed bachelorette, but I was starting to want to meet new people and POSSIBLY have a relationship.  I downloaded Tinder and joined OKCupid and Match.com.  I dated one person from each site. 

1) OKCupid…we hit it off great online.  We exchanged numbers and talked once on the phone and he texted me non stop.  If I didn’t answer right away, he’d start asking me if I was ignoring him, etc.  ugh! 

When we met irl, there was nothing there.  We ate dinner and went to a movie.  He asked me out again for the following Wednesday and I said yes.  I’d give him another try.  

He asked if he could kiss me and I agreed.  Our lips met and I busted out laughing. I just could not believe I was kissing someone. I kept telling him that I’m not laughing at him.  I felt so bad.

The next day he cancelled our upcoming date.  I was relieved.  

2) Match.com…this guy was a masters student and it was nice to actually talk to someone who was intelligent after the last guy. When I found out he was an atheist, my heart leapt with joy.  It’s so nice to talk to someone who has the same beliefs as you.  Our first date was a lunch date and I had a lot of fun.  We went out a second time to see a movie and have coffee.  I paid.  We kissed goodnight and said that we would get together again.  Later that night he messaged me on Facebook and told me how much fun he had.  I never heard from him again.  

3) Tinder…this guy is a keeper.  I’ll write more later…

Ok, back to tinder man.  He’s great, so calm and mellow, a HUGE difference from the rest of the people in my life.  He’s INCREDIBLY sweet.  He even was going to meet me at the hospital when I broke my nose.  I’m really not used to this at all.  

I never plan on getting married again, but here is my dress and flowers. 

Fuck me, I’m falling apart.

https://youtu.be/qx1s_3CF07k

I really thought I was over all of his shenanigans, but recounting just a minor amount of info about past events have stirred up some emotions and feelings that I’m not quite prepared to deal with.  

He was always manipulative, shit he manipulated me into marrying him.  So, I guess his sexual manipulation shouldn’t be a huge shocker.  It was coercion, but was it abuse?  Someone even once used the “R” word, but I allowed it.  How could it be that when I allowed it to happen?  

Because of him, my second husband, and a few before and after I’ve decided that I just pick the absolute worst men and I should stay for away from the opposite sex.  I doubt I can ever trust my choice in men.  

I’ve lost almost 100 pounds.  Men message me all the time on Facebook, Tinder, and OKCupid.  I’ve even had complete strangers send me gifts through Facebook, but I’m not interested in them in the slightest…

It’s always the one you can’t have that captures your heart and holds it hostage. 

My ex husbands step daughter has come forward and accused him of sexual abuse.  Do I let my boys go over there now?  Do I tell them? It’s just a terrible situation…I have no idea how to proceed!  

You called the beginning of our relationship flirting.  You might flirt by sexting and telling the other person that you love them, but I don’t flirt like that.  I meant it when I told you I loved you, I meant it when I said I wanted to be near you.  What I felt was real, but you were just flirting and that makes me think everything you’ve ever said to me was just a joke or flirting.  You diminished the first year to silly games when I thought you were serious.  How can I trust anything you say to me when a few months down the road you’re going to take it back by saying you were only kidding or just flirting?

So, I’m really starting to regret having my surgery.  I’m sick of the way I have to eat now. There’s always pain involved.  I have a constant stomach ache now.  I can hardly eat or drink.  I think I eat maybe 400 calories a day and drink 32oz of water a day.  I’m weak and exhausted.  I go back to my doctor on Tuesday.  I’ll talk to him about it then.

I figured out why I had crazy legs.  I was out of my Paxil for at least a week, and I’m assuming it was withdrawal symptoms.  I’ve been back on it for a few days now and my legs are back to normal.

I am feeling a bit depressed, I’m not sure I can live my life like this.

I have developed restless leg syndrome.  I’m assuming it’s because of some nutritional deficiency.  Which one!?  Who knows?!  I seriously want to die.  It’s so annoying and I can’t sleep because of it.