That is the one line from The Only Thing by Sufjan that I think really defined my relationship with Shane. I wanted so much for him to just to feel happy, but he sabotaged himself all the time. He never wanted to improve his situation, only complain. He messaged me a few days ago, which is what prompted the mass blocking, telling me how hard his life is. Dude, I honestly don’t know what the fuck to tell you. You’re in exactly the same place you were when we parted. I’m totally different. I’ve changed myself. I want you to be happy but I can not invest one more minute of my time into your life. If you want something different, you’ll have to figure it out on your own.

If I was the same person I was 4 years ago, I’d be cutting the fuck out of my leg right now. Instead, I’ll be spending the night coloring. Maybe I’ll get inspired by something and figure out my new podcast episode…

I’ve tried, but I have yet to find anything that compares to cutting…nothing gives me the same feeling.

No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross

John Wayne Gacy, Jr

I got amazing news today, and I can’t tell my mom. I miss your stupid gifs that you used to send me. I’m sorry for taking them for granted. ❤️

But not the one I wanted…

As you start on your new journey, know that you are loved. You’ll always live in our hearts.

My foster brothers physically tortured and sexually abused my sister and I when I was growing up

My parents emotionally abused me

My first husband raped me repeatedly

My second husband used fear and intimidation to control me and the kids

I’m done with shitty people. I’m done with pain, physical and emotional.

I’m not a victim. I let the abuse from my husbands go on. I take responsibility for my part.

I don’t want pity.

It has a hold on me like nothing else.  After I had my surgery, I didn’t eat it for over a year. Slowly, but surely, it’s crept its way back into my life making me a slave to its sweet goodness.  

I will eat sugar until I’m sick and then still want more.  I will compromise my health to have one bite.  

Addiction runs in my family.  There’s tons of alcoholics and a few druggies and me, the sugar addict.  

I crave it, can’t wait to eat it, but afterwards I beat myself up over what I had done.  It’s like I can’t stop myself.  

I need to stop this craziness.  I need to stop before the surgery was for nothing.  

I’m putting all of this behind me…

1. Ex husband arrested for statutory rape

2. Losing $700 a month in income

3. Son’s extreme anxiety 

4. Working 70hrs a week to make up for lost income

5. Other son’s severe depression

6. Sister’s stage IV lung cancer

7. My depressive episode

8. Tearing my meniscus 

9. Mom almost dying

10. Breaking my nose

I was always told that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but I guarantee you that I would not have men asking me out if I still weighed 300 pounds. It’s the stark reality of life. We can be all rainbows and sunshine and keep up the misguided belief that looks don’t matter but we’re only doing a disservice to the world.

$41,000!!!!!

You send $80 a month…if I was that neglectful I would be put in jail.  I know you read this so let me be clear, as soon as I have access to an attorney, my only goal is going to be making you pay your children the support you were court ordered to give them.  

You wonder why they don’t talk to you?  That’s why.  You’re neglectful.  When have you ever really been there for them?  When do you make an effort to talk to them?  You don’t.  They have to contact you first.  

Be forewarned, the following entry is boring.

I’m so fucking tired today. I was up way too late last night.  

I’ve heard that the charges are going be dropped.  That’s complete and utter bullshit.  There’s been so much suffering for nothing now.  

I have not been taking care of myself lately.  My diet is for shit.  I’m not eating enough protein and eating too much junk food.  I’ve got to get it together.  I’m so terrified of gaining weight and sometimes I won’t eat anything all day.  The other day I ate some candy and I tried to make myself throw up.  Clearly, I’m having issues.  

I’ve been on a leave from work and have to go back tomorrow.  While I am looking forward to seeing my friends, I’m not looking forward to dealing with fucking idiots all day.  If only I could find a way to be a stay at home mom again…although, that would get boring. 

I desperately want to go up to Chicago again this year.  I don’t care how or what I do up there, I’m finding a way to go.  Sufjan will be up there in July, if I can figure out what day he’ll be at the festival I might go. I just want to sit on the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shore. I love Lake Michigan, some of my best childhood memories are from when I was in Chicago with my cousins.  I’d love to go with someone to show them all the amazing places…

I still don’t have everything unpacked.  It’s been over a month and I’m still missing some things.  The funny thing is that at least 25% of the garage is holiday decorations.