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Ramblings of a overly tired, undersexed woman

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Today was my last day at Target….what a day it was. I think the gods were playing games with me because EVERY annoying customer came through my line and it seemed like every parent treated their children like shit! Oy vey! Most people shouldn’t have kids…just saying.

One good thing happened today, I saw one of my favorite college professors. It was an awesome reunion, we hugged and spent about 20 minutes catching up. She kept telling me I need to finish my degree, to just take one class at a time. Why? So I can be even more in debt and have a degree that is almost worthless.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE anthropology and biology. I loved my archaeological dig, the cataloging of the anthropology donations, being Dr Walkers teachers aid, working on research with her, and cloning DNA with Dr Kovacs and his cute Hungarian accent. But I can’t really do what I want until I get my PhD and to do that I have to move out of state and that is out of the question for at least 5 years.

What I’ve been told by my teachers and my pastor,before I became an atheist, that I’m wasting my life. Why do you keep having kids, you’re so smart, you should be in school? You’re taking your talents for granted, you’re not using you’re brains. Fuck you! I’m not that smart, I’m just good at bull shitting my way through essays and remembering key words to answer multiple choice questions. How is that smart???

I wait till the absolute latest date possible to work on projects and research papers. I swear the teachers just give me good grades because they like me. There’s no way they were ‘A’ papers. In my biological anthropology research class I had to do a presentation on BMI and kids. I didn’t start it until a week before it’s due. I had to weigh and measure 15 kids, take their picture, have their parents sign a release, input the data into the CDC child BMI calculator, analyze the data, and the make a power point presentation on my findings. I thought for sure I failed…I got a 96%. How? I bullshitted my way through the whole fucking thing. I just don’t understand….

By this point in my ramblings, I’m not quit sure what my point is…I guess I just wish people realized that I’m really a fraud.

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I want you to hold my hand as we grocery shop.  I want you to play with my hair while we watch our favorite TV shows.  I want you to kiss me in the middle of a sentence because you wanted to taste my words.  I want you to rub my back as we fall asleep.  I want you to play my favorite song when I look sad.  I want you to do these things without having to think about them.  Do them because you love me.

Thoughts that keep going through my head….

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I just don’t know what to think.  Am I making up a problem where there isn’t one?

My sister has always claimed that my father molested her.  I’ve never believed her.  Since my daughters hysterical reaction to getting a pelvic exam and the dr asking me if she had been molested before, I’ve always had suspicions that something happened to her, though.  The weird thing that happened after I told my mom about the incident, my dad immediately called me and told me she acted that way because he took her once to get a pelvic exam and she was embarrassed by it.  I know for a fact he never took her to the doctor.  Why did he call me so quick after he heard about her reaction?  I mean it was immediately.  Was he trying to cover something up?    

Her first psych eval said she was acting like a child who was recovering from a traumatic experience.  A few years ago, she had another eval and she was given a diagnosis of major depressive disorder.  

And then there’s all her BDSM pics of her and her boyfriend on her computer, the stories she wrote about being raped, the posts about suicidal ideation and wanting to kill herself after she finishes her bucket list….the books she checked out at the library about suicide pacts and self harm.  Obviously she was dealing with something….I asked her if her step father ever hurt her sexually and she answered, “I don’t remember.”

She’s incredibly close to my dad and he does everything for her.  Everything….if she wants something new, he gets it for her.  Is her trying to make up for hurting her?

My oldest daughter once spent the night at my parents house when she was 2.  Since the day she came home and for about 2 years later, she screamed every night when I put her to bed.  Did something happen to her?  She now has an anxiety disorder and BPD.

I know I have some issues.  I have anxiety and depressive disorders and there have been times in the past when having sex with my husband, it would feel like my father was touching me and I literally had to push my husband off of me and cover up, almost hide.  I felt violated.  Even just sitting on my bed in my underwear, I sometimes feel like I have to cover up and hide.  What the hell is that about?  

My father and his twin sister were four when their mother sent them to live in an orphanage in Chicago.  She wouldn’t let them be adopted so she could visit them. They lived there until they were 16. I know from what my mom had told me that he and his sister were sexually abused while in the orphanage.  Is he continuing the cycle?  

I wonder if I can trust my feelings and thoughts.  Am I making things up?  Am I making up a problem where there isn’t one? Should I just let it go?  I’ll probably never know the truth.