Last night I had the red and tonight I’m drinking the white…It’s fucking delicious!

My mother told my daughter that I’m an alcoholic even though I haven’t drinken anything since my birthday in 2011.  Well wait, that’s a lie.  Sometime this past year, I had a shot of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum in a glass of diet sprite and posted it on Facebook.  Apparently, that makes me a drunk.  Who knew?

I don’t like to drink because I’m afraid of becoming an alcoholic.  I’m the only one of my siblings that doesn’t have/had some sort of substance abuse problem. I’m the only one who hasn’t smoked…the only one who graduated high school….and the only one to go to college.  Oh and I’m the only one who doesn’t live with my parents….  I’ve been told that I’m the most put together of all my brothers and sisters.  HA!  That’s so funny.  I don’t feel put together at all.

I’m not put together.  I’ve been married 2 times to abusive men.  How fucking pathetic is that?  I’m 40 and have been divorced 2 times!  I pick men that are just like my dad, exactly like him in one way or another.  I sometimes hate my dad.  He was such an ass to everyone.  I know he had a shitty childhood, but my fucking god, treat your kids with some respect.  And your “listen here you god damned son of a bitch.  if you don’t do what I want your are going to die” method of parenting is not an ideal way to raise functioning adults.  And I was the lucky kid in my family…you had calmed down some by the time I was born.

I remember when I went to xian school and was dating Scrapper.  The principal intercepted a note I wrote to my friend saying that I was going to “do it” with him.  I know I was only in 8th grade…I was way to young.  But after the principal called you and told you what the note said, ignoring me for 3 days was probably not a good thing to do.  Doug used to ignore me just like that.  You could have talked to me, explained to me why you were upset, but instead you didn’t talk, look or acknowledge me for 3 days.  You always were so good at making me feel 2 inches tall.  

And what the fuck happened that there are times when I can’t even have sex without feeling like I’m being raped by you?  What did you do?  

But it’s turning out to be more work than I thought.

The kids are gone so I’m spending my weekend with Mulder and 2 bottles of ménage a trois wine. 😉

I hate my mind…I hate that I over analyze EVERYTHING. Oh, they’re not using as many smilie faces like they used to…something’s wrong.

They didn’t talk to me for a day, they hate me.

I hate this insecurity…. Jesus Christ Mellony, get it together.

Rationally I know I’m being ridiculous….but then the insecurity pops up and there goes all common sense!

My brain fucking sucks!!

You should come over and hold me while my uterus rips me in half from the inside out.

I’m surprised after what happened yesterday. I was really down but then I found The Experience Project. I finally have an outlet for what’s going on….

Even the tiny bit that I wrote combined with the messages of support from others in my shoes was incredibly cathartic. My head almost feels uncluttered.

the time before…

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Society focuses on how women are treated poorly and are held up to unattainable standards of beauty.  We are expected to be thin, have no hair except on our head, and basically be superwoman.  Our roles are ingrained in us from infancy, raise a perfect family, have a fulfilling career, and have enough time and energy to be a perfect wife. The pressure to live up to these expectations are real for many, if not all women.  I think with all the focus on women, however, men get left behind.

I was in class flipping through a popular men’s magazine.  With almost every page, there were pics of men with chiseled, hair free abs, defined pecs, and bulging biceps.  Immediately I thought to myself, WTF, those feminist women are bitches.  You can’t tell me after seeing these images, there is no pressure on men to live up to an almost unattainable standard of masculinity.  You would have to be a lunatic.

This epiphany started a snowball effect in my way of thinking.  As a single mother to six boys with no real positive male role models in their lives, I’ve always been frustrated by the way men are increasingly portrayed in the media.  Men are routinely characterized as bumbling idiots who can’t do anything right without the help of a woman.  This is particularly bothersome to me when my young boys watch cartoons with fathers depicted as morons.  Fairly Odd Parents and Jimmy Neutron are 2 cartoons that are perfect examples of this.

I wish there were more commercials/tv shows like the one above.  The father is engaged in his children’s lives, interacts positively with his family, and still has fun.  Why can’t we show this as an example for our sons to follow?  Women complain that there are no good men in the world….maybe if we gave our young boys examples of responsible, put together men, they would grow up to be the same.  Sociologist Robert K Merton described this as a self fulfilling prophecy. “The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.”   

Discrimination and societal demands are not specific to only women, men also have pressures put upon them from society. And I’m afraid that if we keep up the men against women crap, nothings going to get better.  There is always going to be some inequality between the sexes, you’ll never get away from it.  We need to drop the pity party and pride and come together to ensure we raise a generation of compassionate men and women.