I have developed restless leg syndrome.  I’m assuming it’s because of some nutritional deficiency.  Which one!?  Who knows?!  I seriously want to die.  It’s so annoying and I can’t sleep because of it.  

I promised Sierra I wouldn’t.  So I guess I shouldn’t.

There is so much going on right now.  I haven’t had my Paxil in about a week and I’m going freaking crazy.  I hate my fucking dr.

I don’t really have anyone any more to talk to…I’ve pulled away from him.  It’s too complicated.

I’ve started talking to b again.  He’s so sweet and a great friend, but I still don’t trust him implicitly.

I guess I’m just a bit depressed…I really need to get my meds.  I had a panic attack this Thursday.  It was at the Nature Center. Complete freak out…I just wanted to sit and cry.  I made it out though.  Whew!!!

I yelled at my son because he wouldn’t get up for school.  I completely lost my temper and told him to get his “fucking ass out of bed”.  

I’m crying…what a terrible way for my sweetie to start the day.  

I’m wretched.  

The moment you betray me, devalue me, or reject me the friendship is over.

First of all, I’m pretty sure you betrayed my trust. I gave you the passwords to my accounts when i had my surgery in case anything happened and I think you snooped.

I didn’t think anything of it when you said I talked to a lot of “friends” on Tumblr.  I had no idea what you were talking about at first, but then it hit me.  You have had to look at my tumblr messages.  There’s really no other explanation, because i never post convos on my feed unless they’re anonymous.

Then when I said something about not sending you pics anymore, you said, “do I not respond appropriately?”  It’s weird because a few days prior I had a conversation with someone in my tumblr messages about people not responding when you post something for them to see.  It’s just too much of a coincidence.  I just can’t get passed it.

Second, you completely reduced our relationship to flirting.

• its not flirting if you tell the person on several occasions that you love them.
• It’s not flirting if you have phone sex and sext on an almost daily basis.
• It’s not flirting when you tell the person that you want so much to be near them
• It’s not flirting when you tell me you like to think about the “what ifs” And when I tell you the things I want in a man, promptly reply with how you are exactly like that.
• It’s not flirting when you tell me that you worry that the stuff I post on Tumblr isn’t about you anymore
• It’s not flirting when you tell the person how important they are to your well being
• It’s not flirting when you get excited that a post I made about holding hands and listening to a song together was about you.
• It’s not flirting when you tell me I make you a better person
• It’s not flirting when you talk practically every day for almost 8 hours straight.

Sorry!  But that’s more than flirting, and yeah we might not do most of that anymore, but don’t you dare fucking tell me that what we had in the beginning was just flirting.  It might make you feel better to call it that, but you and I both know it was more.  Or maybe all of it was a lie.

Finally, this is the second time your chose someone else over me.  Yet you still want me in your life and you like to throw little scraps to keep me around and I’m stupid enough to catch them.

You have no idea what you want, and I’ve known that from the beginning, 3 years ago when you were separated from your wife and couldn’t decide if you should divorce her.  Well, you’re back together now, but I must fulfill something she doesn’t or you wouldn’t want to talk to me everyday or feel the need to keep our friendship from her. It used to make me cry thinking about you growing old with her. I would listen to The Only Thing by Sufjan Stevens because it explained my feelings perfectly.  Should I tear my eyes out now, everything I see returns to you somehow? Should I tear my heart out now, everything I feel returns to you somehow? In a veil of great surprises; I wonder did you love me at all? I repeatedly scarred my body because of the on and off treatment, I wish you were here, but wait I’m married.  Yet, I still loved you.  How fucked up is that?

I have spent a lot of time the last 4 weeks talking about our relationship to my counselor and during that time I’ve come to a realization, if we were ever together, I would be in the same exact spot your wife is in now.  You will have a wondering eye, because you still will have no idea what you want.

I can’t wait until my legs are back to their muscular selves.  

Patrik was so good at this…

  
I came across a message he sent me in my Tumblr inbox.

“Just wanted you to know, I miss our talks, I miss our fevered fantasies, I miss hearing you moan my name, I miss checking my inbox feeling my heart quicken as I read your name ….”

 He had a way of being sexual in a poetic way.  It was my favorite part of him. 

He was into sword fighting and let me tell you, there’s something very sexy about a man who can wield a sword.  

It was funny that we took turns getting up in the middle of the night to call each other.  I guess there were some good times, but I would never go back. 

My hair is falling out at an alarming rate! The amount that comes out when I wash and brush my hair freaks the fuck out of me. I’m terrified that I’ll lose most of my hair.  If that happens, I’m just going to fucking shave my head.  I always wondered what I would look like…I could be like Sinead O’Connor and get a tattoo on my bald head.  That would be cool as fuck.  LOL

So, I totally broke my rule in regards to weighing myself and used a scale for the first time in about 5 years.  Since July 1st, I’ve lost 40lbs.  I can’t help but feel it should be more and I shouldn’t be eating as much as I do. I eat between 600 – 700 calories a day and there are times I still feel hungry but I power through and keep myself from eating. Today I’ve eaten a cheese stick and part of an Oscar Mayer Protein Pack.  It seems like so much.  After realizing what I just read, I can completely see how fucked up and obsessive  my thinking is when it comes to eating and body image.  I’ve got 40 years of ridicule because of my weight and looks to undue.  I suppose it won’t come easy.

This song is dedicated to all the men with whom I have had a romantic relationship. 

There’s only 11 days until the Foo Fighters concert and 13 until Incubus.  I’m so fucking excited.  FF always put on a good show.  I suspect I won’t be able to talk for a few days and then after Incubus, my voice will be even worse.  Maybe I should be responsible and pay attention to how much I scream, nah!  One of the highlights will be not being left there by some psycho husband who gets jealous of a rock star who I will probably never meet.  I’m so glad I’m done with that shit.

Maybe I should…I just feel like I’m not in the slightest bit good at it.  Yeah, I can get some lucky shots, but not consistently. She told me I have some talent, but I don’t think I believe her.  How do you trust people?

I was going to go hiking Saturday but it’s going to be 95 degrees…there’s no way in hell im doing any kind of physical activity tomorrow.  I was really looking forward to it to, because I found an amazing trail with gorgeous streams, waterfalls, and ponds.  I can’t wait to go there…

Yesterday was our last session until October, I’m kinda bummed about that, but I’ll survive.  We click so well, and I feel like she understands what I’m talking about.  

Anyway, we were talking about past relationships and how toxic they were for me. It felt good to get a lot of stuff off my chest.  

We spent a lot of time talking about body dysmorphia disorder.  She makes me start every session by looking in the mirror and saying 3 nice things about myself.  It seems easy enough…but not for me.  I find it impossible to look at myself in the mirror.  I always look to the left or cover my eyes.  I have no idea why I do that.  I just can’t face myself in the mirror.  It’s pretty much an exercise in futility to try to say anything nice about myself.  Yesterday, I picked my skinny ankles, straight teeth, and blue eyes.  

This is how I see myself…

  
People tell me it’s not true, but I don’t fucking believe them.  I’ll add a pic to this post showing you how disgusting I look.