It should be called “you will feel like shit and things you never thought possible will happen to your brain and body”.

I was taking my meds every other day because I couldn’t afford to buy a new prescription. I think that could have been the worst possible idea ever.  Not only did I get those lovely brain zaps, you know, when it feels like you’re being shocked through the top of your head, I got the visual disturbances and internal tremors.  The vision problems are kinda cool if you’re not driving anywhere, everything just starts going in slow motion.  The tremors are just as unnerving as the zaps.  Out of no where, your insides feel like they are jello and you get the sensation of them shaking violently.  The crazy part is that there is no visible evidence of this.  Your arm feels like it’s shaking so violently it’s going to fall off, but when you look at your arm, it’s steady, unmoving.

I knew this would happen when I started taking this shit back in 2001.  I knew I would be dependant on them for the rest of my life, but i was a non-functioning mess with a husband who kept telling me he would leave me if I didn’t get control of my anxiety.  I had to do something. My parents were no help either.  They constantly told me that I would end up killing my kids if I started taking meds that alter your brain.  Hey, mom and dad, 13 years have gone by and my kids are still alive.  I guess you were wrong.

I shouldn’t complain though.  This medicine gave me my life back.  I’m no longer afraid to be by myself.  I can look at myself in the mirror and cook for my kids again. I sleep through the night instead of pacing all night long.   Having an almost normal life is great!  I’m a success story for the makers of Paxil.  My doctor even used my experiences for one of his lectures promoting this medicine.  I’m also their guinea pig.  They weren’t aware of the intensity of the withdrawal symptoms when it was released on the market, it took people like me to learn this.  It will also be me who gives them their data on the long-term effects of this med.  There has been no official long-term use studies.  So every night when I pump my body full of this med it’s a crap shoot.  Am I causing irreparable damage to my brain? Or will everything be all right?  It kinda gives you a warm fuzzy feeling, huh?