You always keep me wondering….

So, it was another terrible time at my counselor…He wanted me to do a timeline of my life. It was hard, especially when I talked about when we lived on the farm. I shook the entire time I talked about it. Bad things happened to me on the farm. I have almost no memories about the farm. I don’t really have any feelings associated with that part of my life. I’m mad at my parents for being foster parents to boy criminals. Why would you do that when you have 3 young girls? What the fuck were they thinking? I hate them for that. What a fucking irresponsible thing to do.

I told him about me cutting myself again last night. My cuts still hurt. I’m glad…

I’m still so confused…I need a hug so bad.

I’m just really insecure. I like the physical pain, the internal problems are too hard to deal with.

I am nothing….
Why can’t I just have regular thoughts and feelings?

I really need to….well, you know.

I feel like everything is different. You don’t even talk to me on your way home anymore.

You probably always expect me to be here…I would be but I feel like you’ve put me on the back burner. I hate that.

I spent the day by myself. I thought I would feel better mentally, but I still feel sad. It was nice, though, to just sit in solitude and think. I don’t get enough time to do that. I took some pics, but they all suck.

Friday I bought tickets to go see Bahamas in Chicago on Jan 29. They were only $18 each. Now, I have to find someone to go with me. I said something about it on Facebook and a few guys said they wanted to meet me there, but yeah…knowing what I know now about some of the people on my Facebook, that probably is not a good idea. Although, I could just go by myself.

I hope there’s not a huge snow or ice storm. That would suck because then I wouldn’t be able to go. I’d go if there wasn’t a lot of snow even though driving 500 miles to Chicago in the snow would not be my idea of fun. Plus I’d have to listen to my parents tell me how terrible it is for me to drive by myself in the snow. What if your car breaks down? You’ll freeze to death. What if you get in an accident? What if someone mugs you in the city? Grrrr….I know they only do it because they worry, but I’m fucking 40. I can handle myself.

Afie Jurvanen is pretty quickly catching up to Dave in the celebrity crush category. Wow! What a hottie!

So much is going through my mind…I wish I could put it all down.