July 1, 2015 I started a clear liquid diet in preparation for my gastric sleeve surgery.  I honestly didn’t think I could make it.  And it wasn’t the lack of food part that had me doubting myself, believe me though I did really want a Chicago style pizza. My biggest fear was having another hypoglycemic episode.  I carried crackers around everywhere I went in case the worst were to happen. Guess what?  I didn’t have one…I didn’t even need the crackers.  I worried for nothing, but the best part was that I didn’t let that fear keep me from what I wanted, I carried on.  I can not express how proud I am of myself…I did it. It’s the best feeling in the world.

I had my procedure on July 8.  I, again, conquered another fear, anesthesia.  I did have a mild panic attack, which is awesome because the last time I tried to have elective surgery, I had a major panic attack and backed out of the surgery at the last minute.  And when I say major panic attack, I mean major panic attack.  We’re talking hyper ventilation, sweating, nausea, rapid heart rate, I even had to get up and pace.  Just imagine a young girl who is pacing around pre op in a gown that opens in the back.  Everyone saw my ass.  Now I can look back and laugh, then, not so much.  Thankfully, that didn’t happen this time.

I barely remember going to sleep, although I did tell my doctor to hurry because I had a rugby game to watch and I remember them putting the heart monitors on and thinking, “shit I forgot to take my nipple rings out.”.  Next thing I knew, I was barely awake and in recovery.   For the rest of the day, I could not stay awake.  This is what scares the shit out of me, not being able to stay awake when I want to, but I made it through the day with minimal anxiety.  YAY ME!  The inability to have complete control of my body is my biggest trigger for panic attacks. It is the number one reason why I hate roller coasters and would never step foot on a skateboard, try BMX biking, or any other activity that I am unable to have bodily control.  Mad props to whoever can do that!!  You are braver than I think I’ll ever be.

I was released the next day and made the 200+ mile drive home.  The first night was rough, but it’s getting easier every day.

Years ago, I would have never considered doing this.  My parents would be against it and my then husband would not be supportive in the slightest. I learned something about myself this last couple years.  I am not my parents, and I am allowed to disagree with them and even talk back to them and argue with them.  Because guess what, I’m a fucking adult.  So here’s a big fuck you to all the assholes who said I could/would never go against what my parents believe.  I did it bitches.  Suck on that mother fuckers!!!!

And to the person who posted the insulting comment about me on an IG pic, I hope you come down with a raging case of genital herpes!

9 more to go. Ugh! I’m not sure I can make it.

2 days into liquid diet

I hate the way I look so much that I haven’t looked at my body in the mirror in over a year

I live in a constant state of fear that everything is going to come crashing down around me at any moment

I know not every guy likes girls that have perfect bodies, but no one understands how much damage being pregnant 8 times and dramatic fluctuations in body weight over your lifetime does to your body.  I have a hideous, 8 inch scar on my stomach from a surgery.  I can’t imagine my body turning anyone on.

Even though I really want the things I post on tumblr, I’m not sure I want to deal with the problems that go along with relationships.  

I’ve self harmed my whole life.  I used to just punch myself in the stomach leaving huge bruises.  I didn’t start cutting until last October.  I still want to do it all the time.

On Thursday I decided to go to the Field Museum before spending 2 hours with my favorite musician of all time, Afie Jurvanen.  Sorry Dave, you’ve been replaced.  😉

  
I’ve been here numerous times, so I was really only there to see the special exhibitions and Evolving Planet.  It was only $31 to get access to everything and see one 3D movie. Now, it sounds pretty cheap, but you have to pay to park which is around $25 for the day.  I ended up paying $56 for 4 hours in the museum.  Was it worth it???  HELL YEAH!!!

The first exhibit I went to was Vikings and I was greeted by this sign.  It’s so funny because, well, it’s a museum of natural history.  There’s human bones all over the place in there.  

  
It was pretty amazing.  It took me 2 hours to get through it.  Not because it was so big, but because I stood and really studied everything.  I get caught up in my thoughts and just stare at the items and imagine what the person who used it was like, for example, this necklace.  

  
Who made this?  What was his inspiration for the design? It must have taken him/her months to create it.  Look how intricate the design is.  It’s amazing… Who was it made for?  Were they nice? Did they have kids?  How hard was their life?  I could go on forever with the questions that flow through my head.  

I did manage to take some pics of representations of Thor’s Hammer.  

I was in there for so long, I almost missed the 3D movie.  It was about the Galopogas Islands and pretty interesting.  When it was over the exit put me right in the middle of the Evolving Planet exhibit.  That was frustrating as hell.  Anyone who’s been there know you have to start at the beginning.  So I had to walk backwards through it to get to the beginning.  Awkward!!!!  

It’s my absolute favorite part of the museum.  I could spend the entire day in that one area.  The fossils are spectacular.  I look at them in awe.  How can that have actually been a real creature?  It’s unbelievable!  And after studying taphonomy it makes it even more incredible.  The probability of anything becoming a fossil is so small and here we have an almost perfect fossil of an animal that lived millions upon millions years ago.  

I get to the emergence of hominids part of the exhibit.  I fucking love that part.  Human evolution is my field of study and no matter how many times I see, hear, or read about it its just as exciting as it was the first time I learned about it.  The fact that there are people who still deny the evolution of our species is astounding!  As I was studying the Australopithecus Afarensis  I overheard some people talking and felt compelled to correct their misconceived ideas of the tool use between Homo habilus and Homo erectus.  Probably not the best idea, who the hell wants someone butting into their conversation?  The skeleton that really grabbed my attention was this 15,000 yr old fossil of a Homo sapien woman.

  
The display is about Homo Sapiens being the first in our lineage to actually bury their dead. I think I stood there for a good 30 minutes.  That was an actual woman who walked on the planet.  What was her life like?  How many kids did she have?  How did she die?  What made her smile or cry?  Just look how well she is preserved…it’s incredible!  

I’m so glad you said it.

Ugh

It sucks when you don’t feel like you have someone you can tell everything too.  Ugh