FellonyMellony.substack.com

It was a great plan, it really was. All three of us would meet at a vacant house, tour it, and then canvas the neighborhood, knocking on doors asking the homeowners if they knew of anyone wanting to sell their house or if they were thinking about selling their home. It was going to be great. I was going to learn from Rod and Mark by watching and then practicing and getting feedback from other realtors who have done this before. But the best laid plans…or something like that.

When we were finished touring the vacant house, Mark decided we would split up and he would take one part of the neighborhood. Wait a minute! That wasn’t the plan! I’m supposed to learn from you. Rod won’t walk alone with me because of his religious convictions, so if you go out on your own Mark, I’ll be all alone. That wasn’t the purpose of this meeting. But Mark set out on his own, Rod went the other way and there I was standing there, alone and completely defeated.

I should preface this by saying I have a paralyzing fear of making the first move with people. I was a manager at Starbucks for 5 years and made amazing connections with my customers. On my last weekend working there, 30 people came to say good bye to me and I’m still friends with a lot of those people. But making connections there was easy. Those people came into my store, wanting what I was selling. I worked at a furniture store and in my first year sold over a million dollars of furniture, but again those people came into the store looking for my product. Real Estate is a completely different ball game. Why did I think I could do this?

So there I stood, dumbfounded, what the hell just happened? So, I pick a direction and just walked. I tried, I REALLY tried to get the guts to go up to the door but nothing I said to myself is convincing me to do this. I think to myself, what can I do to turn this around and then I remember something I did one year at Christmas. I used to drive my kids around our neighborhood at night looking at the decorated houses and then we would send a card to our favorite decorated house. Why don’t I take note of the houses I like and then send them a card letting them know how beautiful and well maintained I thought their house was? I took pics of about 5 houses that I thought were pretty, snapped a pic, and went on my way.

I know it doesn’t help to wallow in self pity so I got in my car, drove to a coffee shop, and started writing cards. I kept thinking of ways I could turn this around. I know that often times the hardest part is sometimes going from 0 to 1 and the biggest battle we often times face is in our head.

My friend met me for coffee and I was telling her my struggles. She so wonderfully volunteered to go walking with me in a neighborhood. So we made plans to do that the following week. I want some time to practice what I’m going to say and rehearse my dialogue. I also texted my son and asked him if he would walk with me one hour a week. He agreed to that. So, although I didn’t accomplish exactly what I wanted to yesterday, I made a plan to help me get it done next week. I guess it’s all about baby steps.

I’ve been avoiding dealing with the death of my family for so long. I honestly didn’t think I was running away from it, but now that I have extra time it’s all catching up to me.

In the morning I get up feeling anxious and sad. I go to the office, do my work which keeps me busy, but I dread going home because there’s nothing to distract me.

I’ve lost so much since my mom died in 2018. Not only was my mom gone, but my relationship with one of my sisters deteriorated dramatically. I lost my dad in 2020 and then 4 months later one of my sisters died. Six months later my uncle dies unexpectedly. We had to sell my parents house which was devastating emotionally. Now I’m starting a new career and with that all kinds of anxieties and insecurities are popping up…

I’m hoping I can work through this it’s been hard though. I’ve been sick and unable to eat and maintain working and entire day! By 2 or 3pm I’m wiped out. I used to work 4am to 10pm on my feet 5 days a week. I worry that I’m dying like everyone else in my family, sometimes I hope I am…I’m just so tired and sad.

Weight Loss

Weight loss is the most simple concept. Burn more calories than you consume. It’s really that simple. We make it hard by our choices, excuses, and lack of will power.

This is what I looked like from 2005 to 2015. During this time period, I would have told you that I really don’t eat that much, but I literally ate a pint of Ben and Jerry’s every night. I ate multiple times a day, huge meals, because I bought into the lie that your body needs fuel to keep your metabolism going. Plot twist, that’s a fucking lie. There were some times where I did lose significant weight by cutting out all carbs but at the time, I couldn’t maintain the lifestyle. I was in an abusive relationship, had 8 kids, and no will power. My point is, I was lying to myself. It’s obvious that I did eat a lot! You don’t get to be over 300 pounds by not eating.

This is me now. I lost over 150 pounds. My weight fluctuates between 158 to 180 and I’ve maintained this since 2015. Through the death of both my parents and my sister. I eat 1-2 times a day, no pop, no bread, no pasta, no rice, no candy….and my meals are small. Naturally when I’m at my higher weight its because I added some things I shouldn’t like candy or bread. But once I go back off it, My weight goes back down. But I have to remember that I am in control of my weight. My weight is a reflection of my ability to control myself and my habits. I just had to stop making excuses…I had to stop lying to myself.

There are days when the universe tells you you’ve made the right choices, and today is one of those days. I quit my job at Starbucks back in 2020 because of their departure from what made me love my job, making my Starbucks a “third place” for my customers, by adopting all this madness for an illness that has a 99.9% survival rate. Now they are taking away the bodily autonomy of their partners. Starbucks claims to be defenders of human rights, but this decision violates the rights of all of their partners. Shame on them.

I was a loyal customer for the last seven years who frequented Starbucks several times a day, I will no longer support them.

https://finance-yahoo-com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/finance.yahoo.com/amphtml/news/starbucks-u-workers-must-covid-160218619.html

Every morning I wake up on the verge of vomiting…I’m not pregnant. I’m just dealing with the fact that I have no income yet and I’m freaking out. Then I think about how unprepared I am for the coming collapse of the world and that I’m a single mom so if I fail my kids don’t eat. Granted, my boys are all teenagers but they’re not vaccinated so if mandates go into effect all over the country they will have a hard time finding jobs. Some days I’m paralyzed with fear and feel so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to begin.

But then I think, ok, i have over 650 names in my database. I’ll probably get at least one sale out of that. And if I can survive the past year with my head above water, I can pretty much do anything….

Ok, existential crisis over for the moment.

It was amazing! I needed that vacation so bad! This year has been shit and I needed the down time.

This was my rental! Every morning I drank my coffee on the porch and watched the ocean and every night I had a beer or glass of wine and did the same thing. It was fucking amazing!

We’re going back in March and will probably rent the same house! It was amazing!

Ben, Dawson, and Brenden came with, I was so excited to show them all my favorite places in Oregon.

I really want to move back! My heart belongs there, I just wish it wasn’t so shitty politically!

These passed 8 months have been incredibly hard for my family. First my dad passing and then my sister. Now we’re finally going through the house and getting dividing things, selling what we don’t want and getting ready to move on. This in and of itself is hard. It’s forcing us to deal with the realization our parents are gone as we struggle with the division of property.

My father always stressed the importance of personal property and the privacy rights of individuals. He NEVER once went through any of my things as a child without my permission and I carried that on to my children. I have never gone through any of their personal belongings or phones. I trust them implicitly and they have never once given me a reason not to.

But because of that, I am finding it so hard to go through their things. I feel like I’m invading their privacy. I know it’s silly, they have both passed away. But I still consider this house and it’s contents their property.

I try so hard to be accepting of other people and their beliefs and for the longest time I was best friends and loved a bunch of statists. I knew our beliefs were diametrically opposed and they never really tried to understand my point of view, but I just disregarded it.

This past year, however, I find it harder and harder to remain friends with these people. If you try to hinder the freedom of me, my family, my friends, or anyone really, you are my mortal enemy. No virus or invisible enemy is worth giving up freedom for.

This past year I have been ridiculed, threatened, and mocked for my disbelief in this psy-op called covid only to be vindicated 18 months later. It’s all a scam. Graph after graph proves none of the mitigation efforts used during this “pandemic” did a damn thing except steal wealth, lives, and liberty from millions of people. The people who demanded, complied with and orchestrated these measures all have the blood of innocent lives on their hands and should suffer for their crimes.

I do not wish to remain friends with these people, I don’t want their cold callous nature to rub off on me or my family.

People shouldn’t be ridiculed for living their lives. Life is a risk in and of itself. I can decide for myself the risks I chose to take. I should not be threatened with death by these so called tolerant people if I decide to live my life instead of cowering in fear.