I haven’t walked down this trail since August of last year. The sound of cicadas and the smell in the air brought back a flood of memories. I used to walk this trail almost every day. My mind was constantly going over things he said and I was trying to decipher it all. What a fucking waste of time and energy. I should have listened to his friend in April and then again in July. I could have saved myself a ton of heartache. I mean, I had the plan to end things in sept if nothing changed, but I should have just shut it down in July. Oh well, lesson learned.

So, I didn’t walk the whole 4 miles like I used to. I stopped about a mile in and sat on a bench. It’s was fucking hot and humid at 10am. I didn’t have the energy to finish. I have no energy lately, none since moving back. I want to cry most days but stop myself. Everything is gone and it’s even more apparent since moving back.

I miss my friends in Portland and I miss having my own place. I have no space of my own. If it wasn’t for Ben, I wouldn’t be here still. He’s the only thing that keeps me going right now.

I am so frustrated with Doug and his bullshit.

Lol

The best part is, I didn’t have to tear any tape down

At least I had my own money to do it with.

Doug is being the biggest prick in the universe. I swear to god…I’m finished with men. They are all worthless trash.

My depression is worsening by the day.

So many tell me nows not the time. We should wait…I’m just reminded of Patrick Henry’s immortal speech.

They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak if we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. The millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us.

-Patrick Henry

Omg! I have to get out of this house.