1. I spent about 30 minutes with Nicole, and we’re having lunch on Friday after she does my hair.

2. I worked with Becca and Liv.

3. I had a great talk with Liv, she made me cry. She told me I meant a lot to her.

4. Hannah and I talked and she gave me a hug.

5. Amanda asked me to come work at her store.

Jason V said I have a nice voice for radio and that Im a good person, and both my head and heart are in the right place.

I have cramps, my boobs hurt, and I’d kill for some movie theater popcorn.

The last day I ever got to talk to you. I’ll never forget the look in dad’s eyes when I told him that the dr didn’t think you would make it through this. You were so concerned about your phone, but you kept dropping it. After I took this pic, I started calling all your friends and family in Chicago to let them know what was going on…it was surreal to tell someone that your mother is dying. You lost consciousness that day around 6pm.

The non invasive life support you were kept on for 5 days. This kept you breathing, but never brought you back. Dad didn’t want to give up. Always believing in PMA, he wouldn’t let anyone say anything negative around you.

Dad sat here 5 days straight, not leaving your side once.

Dad wanted to lay in bed with you one last time.

20 minutes before dad let the nurses take you off life support.

The drs swore once the life support was removed you would die within a couple hours. Dad insisted that since you kept holding on, you would pull through this. He quickly arranged for you to come home on hospice not realizing hospice meant they were sending you home to die. He thought he was going to nurse you back to health.

When dad finally realized you were sent home to die, he had me call all of your drs trying to get them to order home health care for you. They all refused because they knew you were already gone and to provide nutrition would only be prolonging the inevitable. It was devastating telling dad that.

I sat with you that night, watching Survivor with you one last time. I’ve never watched it since. I can’t…

I came over early the next morning. Everyone was in the kitchen. I went to sit by you, but I could tell something wasn’t right. I couldn’t get a heart rate reading on the monitor and you were breathing erratically.

While everyone was running around the house frantically calling 911, I sat by you, holding your hand. I didn’t want you to be alone. I saw you take your very last breath…I saw you leave us for good.

You were pronounced dead by the EMT at 10:15am on March 27, 2018.

The very last time I ever got to see you. When I worked in the photo lab I always judged people who took pics at a funeral, not anymore. I don’t think you looked like yourself.

Absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for seeing your parent in a casket. I collapsed to the floor crying, Connor had to come pick me up. It was one of the lowest points of my life.

You were cremated that night. I picked that outfit out for you. I wear a locket that has some of your ashes in it. You’re always with me…

You know the quintessential scene in some tear jerker movies where the person has the emotional break down and collapses to cry, well that was me earlier at the Nature Center.

A friend suggested I listen to a podcast where people tell stories from their lives. I finally decided to give it a go during my walk. I picked the most recent episode and what the fuck is it about? A girl dealing with the death of her mother.

I should have known not to listen to it, but I thought it would be no big deal. Ha!! Was I wrong. The more she said, the more I cried until she talked about going to her mothers grave. The visual it created in my mind made me feel like I couldn’t breath and that my chest was caving in. I literally had to stop on the middle of the bridge crossing Springfield Lake to sit and gain my composure.

So, I suppose this little outburst means I’m not quite over her death, at least not as much as I’d like.

Death with Dignity, Sufjan Stevens

Spirit of my silence I can hear you

But I’m afraid to be near you

And I don’t know where to begin

And I don’t know where to begin

Somewhere in the desert there’s a forest

And an acre before us

But I don’t know where to begin

But I don’t know where to begin

Again I’ve lost my strength completely, oh be near me

Tired old mare with the wind in your hair

Amethyst and flowers on the table, is it real or a fable?

Well I suppose a friend is a friend

And we all know how this will end

Chimney swift that finds me, be my keeper

Silhouette of the cedar

What is that song you sing for the dead?

What is that song you sing for the dead?

I see the signal searchlight strike me in the window of my room

Well I got nothing to prove

Well I got nothing to prove

I forgive you, mother, I can hear you

And I long to be near you

But every road leads to an end

Yes every road leads to an end

Your apparition passes through me in the willows

Five red hens – you’ll never see us again

You’ll never see us again

Lyrics by Sufjan Stevens

Why did you tell me I was going to kill all my kids if I started taking anti depressants?

Ok, I know why, you thought any psychotropic medication is bad, but to tell an already upset person they’re going to kill their kids is not an appropriate way to voice your concerns. Did you have that little faith in me? Well, guess what? I was on it for 17 years and not once did I even raise a hand to any of my 8 children.

Furthermore, why didn’t you ever listen to me when i tried to tell you what the foster brothers were doing to us? Why did you just ignore me? You were supposed to protect me. I can’t even say any of it out loud, and it’s always there…hiding, waiting for the exact right moment to surface.

I know I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, and I do miss you, but sometimes you just sucked as a parent. You’re ignore it and it’ll go away approach to things really caused a lot of problems.