I have been working on myself for the last 4 years. I’ve pulled myself up mentally, physically, and financially.

I’m no longer taking multiple psych meds to control my anxiety and depression. I’ve lost now over 160 pounds and am only 13 pounds away from my goal weight. I completely support myself and my kids. My bills are paid on time and I even have spending money to do extra things. I should have all the confidence in the world…I did this all from sheer will and determination.

But there’s always this tiny voice in the back of my head spouting all the things said to me as a child, “listen here you god damned son of a bitch, if you don’t do what I tell you, you will die.” “What the fuck is wrong with you.” “You’re stupid to think that.” “If only you lost 10 pounds all the boys would like you.” The insecurity of one day my parents liking me and showering me with love and affection and then the next day they didn’t like me wouldn’t talk to me and all the love was gone. The abuse from my 13 foster brothers…

Those insecurities and experiences are always with me. I KNOW rationally people aren’t like that, but no matter how hard I try, I still have that shit in the back of my head. I KNOW it is not other people’s responsibility to make me feel good about myself, but I seem to always need reassuring from people around me.

How the fuck do I get out of this?

I’m dying…

Would it be that terrible to let my kids live with their dad for the rest of their schooling??

Nothing…absolutely nothing.

I can picture vividly what I want to write, however when I try to articulate it into words, nothing. How utterly frustrating.

Maybe now that I have my answer to what has been plaguing me, the words will just flow.

I’ve come a long way baby!

I sent him this meme:

You know, like Netflix and chill? Doesn’t that mean Netflix and sex?

He replies with a meme of a cat falling asleep. Lmao…

This is an accurate representation of my flirting skills:

Stop talking…

That is the one line from The Only Thing by Sufjan that I think really defined my relationship with Shane. I wanted so much for him to just to feel happy, but he sabotaged himself all the time. He never wanted to improve his situation, only complain. He messaged me a few days ago, which is what prompted the mass blocking, telling me how hard his life is. Dude, I honestly don’t know what the fuck to tell you. You’re in exactly the same place you were when we parted. I’m totally different. I’ve changed myself. I want you to be happy but I can not invest one more minute of my time into your life. If you want something different, you’ll have to figure it out on your own.