Be forewarned, the following entry is boring.

I’m so fucking tired today. I was up way too late last night.  

I’ve heard that the charges are going be dropped.  That’s complete and utter bullshit.  There’s been so much suffering for nothing now.  

I have not been taking care of myself lately.  My diet is for shit.  I’m not eating enough protein and eating too much junk food.  I’ve got to get it together.  I’m so terrified of gaining weight and sometimes I won’t eat anything all day.  The other day I ate some candy and I tried to make myself throw up.  Clearly, I’m having issues.  

I’ve been on a leave from work and have to go back tomorrow.  While I am looking forward to seeing my friends, I’m not looking forward to dealing with fucking idiots all day.  If only I could find a way to be a stay at home mom again…although, that would get boring. 

I desperately want to go up to Chicago again this year.  I don’t care how or what I do up there, I’m finding a way to go.  Sufjan will be up there in July, if I can figure out what day he’ll be at the festival I might go. I just want to sit on the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shore. I love Lake Michigan, some of my best childhood memories are from when I was in Chicago with my cousins.  I’d love to go with someone to show them all the amazing places…

I still don’t have everything unpacked.  It’s been over a month and I’m still missing some things.  The funny thing is that at least 25% of the garage is holiday decorations.  

Weight

I’ve lost over 100 pounds now.  It’s absolutely insane.  I never thought I could make it this far.  I barely recognize myself.  There was a point where I regretted the surgery, but now I’m so glad I did it.  I feel so much better about myself and I have a lot more confidence.  I actually started dating.  

Here’s me at the beginning of my weight loss journey.  This picture was taken July 1, 2015.  I weighed 295 pounds.

  
Here’s me in February 2016.  I weighed 185 pounds. 

  
I’ve started wearing dresses.  People actually compliment my looks.  It’s a huge adjustment.  

Depression

Ive gone through some rough points recently.  The issues with my ex and the effect it’s had on the kids has really gotten to me.  My job actually gave me a month of paid leave to deal with all the ramifications.  

There’s been a few times where I’ve wanted to cut.  It took everything I had not to.  It’s easier to stop myself when I remember some of the stuff Shane has said to me. He always told me that I made him a better person.  

Dating

So, I know I was a confirmed bachelorette, but I was starting to want to meet new people and POSSIBLY have a relationship.  I downloaded Tinder and joined OKCupid and Match.com.  I dated one person from each site. 

1) OKCupid…we hit it off great online.  We exchanged numbers and talked once on the phone and he texted me non stop.  If I didn’t answer right away, he’d start asking me if I was ignoring him, etc.  ugh! 

When we met irl, there was nothing there.  We ate dinner and went to a movie.  He asked me out again for the following Wednesday and I said yes.  I’d give him another try.  

He asked if he could kiss me and I agreed.  Our lips met and I busted out laughing. I just could not believe I was kissing someone. I kept telling him that I’m not laughing at him.  I felt so bad.

The next day he cancelled our upcoming date.  I was relieved.  

2) Match.com…this guy was a masters student and it was nice to actually talk to someone who was intelligent after the last guy. When I found out he was an atheist, my heart leapt with joy.  It’s so nice to talk to someone who has the same beliefs as you.  Our first date was a lunch date and I had a lot of fun.  We went out a second time to see a movie and have coffee.  I paid.  We kissed goodnight and said that we would get together again.  Later that night he messaged me on Facebook and told me how much fun he had.  I never heard from him again.  

3) Tinder…this guy is a keeper.  I’ll write more later…

Ok, back to tinder man.  He’s great, so calm and mellow, a HUGE difference from the rest of the people in my life.  He’s INCREDIBLY sweet.  He even was going to meet me at the hospital when I broke my nose.  I’m really not used to this at all.