The moment you betray me, devalue me, or reject me the friendship is over.

First of all, I’m pretty sure you betrayed my trust. I gave you the passwords to my accounts when i had my surgery in case anything happened and I think you snooped.

I didn’t think anything of it when you said I talked to a lot of “friends” on Tumblr.  I had no idea what you were talking about at first, but then it hit me.  You have had to look at my tumblr messages.  There’s really no other explanation, because i never post convos on my feed unless they’re anonymous.

Then when I said something about not sending you pics anymore, you said, “do I not respond appropriately?”  It’s weird because a few days prior I had a conversation with someone in my tumblr messages about people not responding when you post something for them to see.  It’s just too much of a coincidence.  I just can’t get passed it.

Second, you completely reduced our relationship to flirting.

• its not flirting if you tell the person on several occasions that you love them.
• It’s not flirting if you have phone sex and sext on an almost daily basis.
• It’s not flirting when you tell the person that you want so much to be near them
• It’s not flirting when you tell me you like to think about the “what ifs” And when I tell you the things I want in a man, promptly reply with how you are exactly like that.
• It’s not flirting when you tell me that you worry that the stuff I post on Tumblr isn’t about you anymore
• It’s not flirting when you tell the person how important they are to your well being
• It’s not flirting when you get excited that a post I made about holding hands and listening to a song together was about you.
• It’s not flirting when you tell me I make you a better person
• It’s not flirting when you talk practically every day for almost 8 hours straight.

Sorry!  But that’s more than flirting, and yeah we might not do most of that anymore, but don’t you dare fucking tell me that what we had in the beginning was just flirting.  It might make you feel better to call it that, but you and I both know it was more.  Or maybe all of it was a lie.

Finally, this is the second time your chose someone else over me.  Yet you still want me in your life and you like to throw little scraps to keep me around and I’m stupid enough to catch them.

You have no idea what you want, and I’ve known that from the beginning, 3 years ago when you were separated from your wife and couldn’t decide if you should divorce her.  Well, you’re back together now, but I must fulfill something she doesn’t or you wouldn’t want to talk to me everyday or feel the need to keep our friendship from her. It used to make me cry thinking about you growing old with her. I would listen to The Only Thing by Sufjan Stevens because it explained my feelings perfectly.  Should I tear my eyes out now, everything I see returns to you somehow? Should I tear my heart out now, everything I feel returns to you somehow? In a veil of great surprises; I wonder did you love me at all? I repeatedly scarred my body because of the on and off treatment, I wish you were here, but wait I’m married.  Yet, I still loved you.  How fucked up is that?

I have spent a lot of time the last 4 weeks talking about our relationship to my counselor and during that time I’ve come to a realization, if we were ever together, I would be in the same exact spot your wife is in now.  You will have a wondering eye, because you still will have no idea what you want.