I’ve already had 700 calories.  I can’t eat anymore.  If I do, I’ll gain all the weight back that I’ve lost!  

its not flirting if you tell me on several occasions that you love me.

It’s not flirting if we have phone sex and sext on an almost daily basis. 

It’s not flirting when you tell me that you want so much to be near me

It’s not flirting when you tell me you like to think about the “what ifs” And when I tell you the things I want in a man, promptly reply with how you are exactly like that.  

It’s not flirting when you tell me that you worry that the stuff I post on Tumblr isn’t about you anymore

It’s not flirting when you tell me how important I am to your well being

It’s not flirting when you get excited that a post I made about holding hands and listening to a song together was about you.

It’s not flirting when you tell me I make you a better person

It’s not flirting when we talk practically every day for almost 8 hours straight.  

Sorry!  But that’s more than flirting, and yeah we might not do most of that anymore, but don’t you dare fucking tell me that what we had in the beginning was just flirting.  It might make you feel better to call it that, but you and I both know it was more.

July 1, 2015 I started a clear liquid diet in preparation for my gastric sleeve surgery.  I honestly didn’t think I could make it.  And it wasn’t the lack of food part that had me doubting myself, believe me though I did really want a Chicago style pizza. My biggest fear was having another hypoglycemic episode.  I carried crackers around everywhere I went in case the worst were to happen. Guess what?  I didn’t have one…I didn’t even need the crackers.  I worried for nothing, but the best part was that I didn’t let that fear keep me from what I wanted, I carried on.  I can not express how proud I am of myself…I did it. It’s the best feeling in the world.

I had my procedure on July 8.  I, again, conquered another fear, anesthesia.  I did have a mild panic attack, which is awesome because the last time I tried to have elective surgery, I had a major panic attack and backed out of the surgery at the last minute.  And when I say major panic attack, I mean major panic attack.  We’re talking hyper ventilation, sweating, nausea, rapid heart rate, I even had to get up and pace.  Just imagine a young girl who is pacing around pre op in a gown that opens in the back.  Everyone saw my ass.  Now I can look back and laugh, then, not so much.  Thankfully, that didn’t happen this time.

I barely remember going to sleep, although I did tell my doctor to hurry because I had a rugby game to watch and I remember them putting the heart monitors on and thinking, “shit I forgot to take my nipple rings out.”.  Next thing I knew, I was barely awake and in recovery.   For the rest of the day, I could not stay awake.  This is what scares the shit out of me, not being able to stay awake when I want to, but I made it through the day with minimal anxiety.  YAY ME!  The inability to have complete control of my body is my biggest trigger for panic attacks. It is the number one reason why I hate roller coasters and would never step foot on a skateboard, try BMX biking, or any other activity that I am unable to have bodily control.  Mad props to whoever can do that!!  You are braver than I think I’ll ever be.

I was released the next day and made the 200+ mile drive home.  The first night was rough, but it’s getting easier every day.

Years ago, I would have never considered doing this.  My parents would be against it and my then husband would not be supportive in the slightest. I learned something about myself this last couple years.  I am not my parents, and I am allowed to disagree with them and even talk back to them and argue with them.  Because guess what, I’m a fucking adult.  So here’s a big fuck you to all the assholes who said I could/would never go against what my parents believe.  I did it bitches.  Suck on that mother fuckers!!!!

And to the person who posted the insulting comment about me on an IG pic, I hope you come down with a raging case of genital herpes!

9 more to go. Ugh! I’m not sure I can make it.

2 days into liquid diet

I hate the way I look so much that I haven’t looked at my body in the mirror in over a year

I live in a constant state of fear that everything is going to come crashing down around me at any moment

I know not every guy likes girls that have perfect bodies, but no one understands how much damage being pregnant 8 times and dramatic fluctuations in body weight over your lifetime does to your body.  I have a hideous, 8 inch scar on my stomach from a surgery.  I can’t imagine my body turning anyone on.

Even though I really want the things I post on tumblr, I’m not sure I want to deal with the problems that go along with relationships.  

I’ve self harmed my whole life.  I used to just punch myself in the stomach leaving huge bruises.  I didn’t start cutting until last October.  I still want to do it all the time.