“I like it how your stubble turns my landscape into a map, the red patches, a topography, of all the places you’ve been”

Today fucking sucked…

I just can’t live anymore…

I really just want to die, please let me die

I’ve been waiting to go since November. Now that the trip is right around the corner, I’m terrified. Not because I have to drive 500+ miles on my own, not because Chicago is the murder capital of the US, but because I will be by myself and people will have to focus on just me. I will not have someone with me to deflect attention to. I’ll be alone and people will see me and my ugly, fat gross body.

I’m scared and excited. There’s so much uncertainty involved in this journey. Not only am I working on my outside appearance, I’m going to continue working on my self esteem and other insecurities. Can I even do all this???

It’s almost orgasmic. I feel so much better.

“and if he wants to leave 
then let him leave, 
you are terrifying 
and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love”

And quote movies together…and go to concerts, and listen to music . Oh and give each other love notes…

I need to take a step back and reevaluate my relationships, all of them.

The one I need to work on the most is with S. We agreed to be just friends and that’s good, but it’s too hard for me to just shut off feelings. It seems like it’s so easy for him. We still talk every day but sometimes I feel like I’m just his cheerleader. When he forgets about important events, I get hurt. I just need to think about things.

I could just be saying this because I’m in the pits of despair right now too…