My counseling session started out with my counselor telling me that he is leaving the practice…the story of my fucking life. My counselors always leave me for better jobs.

Anyway, that started the most intense hour of my life. I cried, not just tears running down my face, actual sobbing. I was crying about things I never ever thought upset me. I talked about how I hate opening up to S because I hate feeling vulnerable. People leave you and then you’re left with agonizing pain and millions of pieces to pick up, alone, without the person you relied on to be your confidant, your support person, the person you look to for advice, the person you trusted implicitly.

I can’t write anymore…I’ll add more later.

He used the analogy of a tree, they lose leaves but new ones grow back. Who cares if you get new leaves, if you still want the one that fell off? This is why you don’t get close to people. They leave you and you’re nothing but a dead, naked tree…

S once told me that I’m inspirational and he’s better for knowing me. I don’t believe people when they say nice things about me. My dad always told me that if someone says something nice about you, it’s because they want something from you. I almost feel like I can trust him, but what if is always in the back of my mind.

I told Justin that I don’t understand how someone could say that about me…he started out by saying that even though I’m breaking down, he can see the strong side of me coming out by how I changed my breathing when I started getting upset again, how he could tell by my demeanor that I was fighting the urge to completely breakdown and lose control. The fighter in me was keeping everything under control. He also said that I left an abusive husband even though I didn’t have a job, but I did it to save my kids. He said that is inspirational. I told him that if you don’t take a chance or a risk, nothing ever changes. You’ll be stuck forever some place you don’t want to be. That’s apparently inspirational too!? Whatever, it’s just a fact.

I’ve never been nurtured…no one’s ever really tried to comfort me in my time of need…I need that more than anything.