I’m going to try to make today better…at least I’m at work all day.

than realizing that you’re alone.

I feel so alone and isolated.

I have no one…

I started self harming again tonight.

The anxiety was too much and on my way to pick up my son, I dug my nails deep into my thigh leaving very noticeable red and purple marks on my it. On the way home I stopped at the store and bought razor blades. I now have 3 bleeding cuts on my leg. It was a huge stress release. Why does the pain help so much?

So many bad things are happening right now…

I feel like I’m going to explode….

I’m so scared. Someone help me!

I was spending the night at my great aunt Ealma and uncle Dave house. I remember being half asleep and barely opening my eyes and I see my uncle dave sitting on the side of the bed in his underwear staring at me. All I can remember is saying to myself over and over just pretend you’re asleep. I remember nothing afterwards….

I had another session with my counselor and I cried the entire time…I hate it when I do that. I want to be able to control my feelings so I don’t cry.

Some good things did happen though. He said that my extreme moods could be because I was never able to express my feelings when growing up so I never learned to regulate them. Whenever I was upset as a child I always was told to shut up or I’d get something to cry about. I remember one time I sat on a bee and it stung me. Naturally as a 4 year old I cried but I was yelled at because getting stung by a bee is nothing to cry about. When I was in high school, I told my mom I wanted to kill myself, she walked away.

I have a memory that I want to talk about with him. It’s really hard to talk about so I’ve only told one other person, ever. My counselor told me to write it down…it might help me talk about it. I don’t want to write it down though. It makes it too real. Although, I did tell my friend through text so writing it shouldn’t be too hard.

On another note, my counselor is a man. I never in a million years thought I would be comfortable having a male counselor, but he’s surprisingly easy to talk to.

I sang loud
My voice cut through the crowd
As if I was anybody that might have something to say
Standing tall I seemed to know it all
But the only thing I know is that I’ve never known someone like you
I’m gonna figure out how it is

I got you
I got you babe
I held you
And I lost you

Time stood still
And I had my fill
Of all the things we did
And all the things we could have done
Looking back would you
Cut me some slack
For all the times I left you when I should have stayed right by your side
I’m gonna figure out how it is

I got you
I got you babe
I held you
And I lost you

I love the butterflies you get in your stomach and the lump that develops in your throat right before your lips gently brush against theirs, and the surge of energy that runs through your body as your lips finally meet. With each kiss the passion and intensity grows. The intoxicating scent of their skin, the feeling of warmth from their breath, and finally the taste of their tongue that makes you light headed, your body quiver, and your knees weak, almost taking away your ability to stand.