I had another session with my counselor and I cried the entire time…I hate it when I do that. I want to be able to control my feelings so I don’t cry.

Some good things did happen though. He said that my extreme moods could be because I was never able to express my feelings when growing up so I never learned to regulate them. Whenever I was upset as a child I always was told to shut up or I’d get something to cry about. I remember one time I sat on a bee and it stung me. Naturally as a 4 year old I cried but I was yelled at because getting stung by a bee is nothing to cry about. When I was in high school, I told my mom I wanted to kill myself, she walked away.

I have a memory that I want to talk about with him. It’s really hard to talk about so I’ve only told one other person, ever. My counselor told me to write it down…it might help me talk about it. I don’t want to write it down though. It makes it too real. Although, I did tell my friend through text so writing it shouldn’t be too hard.

On another note, my counselor is a man. I never in a million years thought I would be comfortable having a male counselor, but he’s surprisingly easy to talk to.