Today would have been Doug and my 10th anniversary.  I was 4 months pregnant when we married but I couldn’t have been happier.  I found my knight in shining armor, or so I thought.  Little did I know my life and the lives of my kids would become a living hell.   

Wedded bliss did not last long.  Before I knew it, he was vicious, and emotionally abusive to me and my children.  I started therapy again to try to make sense of what was going on.  I had to figure out what I was doing wrong to make him hate me so much.  Doug agreed to come with me to a few sessions and during our last session together Doug dropped a bomb shell on me.  He told me I was no longer attractive to him because I had gained weight.  He admitted he was shallow and he could not stand to look at me. He felt bad for me when sexy skinny women came on the television.  He couldn’t believe how unattractive I’ve become.  

I was stunned.  Never in a million years would I think Doug would say those things to me, but at least I knew now why he hated me. I knew now that the abuse was my fault.  I cried, hysterically.  It was my greatest nightmare come true.  I have always been made fun of for my looks and weight by friends and family.  If you just lose 10 pounds was my families favorite thing to say to me.  And now I married someone who was ashamed of me too.  

I couldn’t eat in front of him for a while.  I tried to keep all of my fat covered and hidden so he wouldn’t be as repulsed by me and my ugliness.  I would never undress in front of him, it was too embarrassing.  I was so ashamed of myself, in fact, I still am.

Now that our marriage is over, the events of that day still haunt me.  I will never be able to be fully naked in front of another man.  The thought of it makes me cry and hide my face.  When people tell me I’m pretty or sexy, I know they are lying.  How could those words ever describe me?  It’s impossible..